I overstayed in front of my computer screen too much and now I can’t shut down my brain. It has been a long time since I couldn’t fall asleep. Last time it happened was some months ago when I was still deep in my depression.
The night feels like a predator when you’re in that state, scared and full of worry every time you go to bed, hoping to be able to have some good rest.
Then why do I feel good?
Today it’s different. I’m not anxious about it. It will be hard tomorrow, yes. But I can survive it fine with some tea and maybe taking a 30 min nap to go through the day.
I will fall asleep eventually, sleep maybe a few hours today. But that’s fine. Nightless nights doesn’t scare me anymore. Because I choose how to approach it. I embrace the situation and take advantage of it and grow stronger.
For example, I’m handwriting this, with a deemed light, my relaxing tea and all night in front of me to write these words. I barely find time for doing this, so this is a perfect moment for it.
But what do I learn from this?
First of all, I need to set more boundaries in my life when it comes to using a computer. 21:30 will be the limit. No excuses, at 21:30 computer my computer will be off.
Second, I should write more in my notebook. It feels refreshing, more personal and I can always transcript this into my blog.
What surprises me the most is the weird state I’m encountering myself. I’m not worried or anxious. Not scared at all of not being able to fall asleep, when I used to go crazy for a sleepless night like this one. Now I don’t give a shit. It’s even exciting to have this time for myself to put some order into my thoughts.
To set new boundaries and once again, to have a better understanding of who I have become. To meet my old self again.
On a sleepless night I come to you, pen and paper. To write what my fear once was. So I can se what I have become. And meet myself again. Words of a sleepless guy. Who chose to sleep alone.
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